Condoms, Condoms, Condoms

This time last year I was completely freaking out about an article featuring me that was coming out in our local paper. I was asked to be interviewed by the writer of the profile section. She had talked to me for several hours, talked to some friends and co-workers, sent out photographers four different times and asked for a stack of my own pictures as well. It had been an intense process and I was completely second guessing my decision to have participated.

I literally felt like I was placing my life is this woman's hands. I know this sounds dramatic. I just never had any idea how vulnerable I would feel about anyone else telling my story. Someone else's interpretation of me for public consumption- Yikes! And I knew I wasn't going to get to see the article until the paper hit my front stoop. No chance for my "helpful suggestions, edits and/or corrections".

I had no idea how my life, boiled down to a few paragraphs and pictures, would come across. I was much more afraid about how that kind of reflection would feel to me than what anyone else would think.

I've often wondered how friends describe me to a stranger. I'd hate to be a fly on the wall for that. Would it be all physical attributes? What traits of my personality would be worthy enough to include in a basic description? I thought I had a pretty good idea of how I come across to others but I had never really tested that theory. I was self aware enough to wonder whether or not I was really self aware.

So Sunday came and I popped out to the front porch, held my breath, picked up the paper and started shuffling. All I could see was that the cover photo they chose was much bigger than I had expected (unlike the above copy, the original was also crystal clear). It was taken of me sitting at a table strewn with materials from my work and a little stackable pamphlet holder. At the time I was the Executive Director of an HIV/AIDS prevention organization. Three rows of brochures are all you can really see besides me- each one with the title “condoms”. The only legible words  in the whole photo are condoms, condoms, condoms. I hadn't even noticed them sitting there. Now the first thing my Gramma was going to see would be CONDOMS.

So instead of bringing her the article I decided to mail it to her so I didn't have to witness her first response. I was right though; I got the condom comment first. The second thing she noticed was that there were no pictures of her featured and no stories about her told. What are you going to do? But like I said, for me, this wasn't about her opinion of the article; it was about how it made me feel.

While the behind the scenes prep was happening I kept questioning whether or not I have done enough with the opportunities I had been given. I was taking pause to consider whether or not I had used my talents and gifts tirelessly and for the glory of God. I was worried that my sad stories would over shadow the glorious moments in my life. I wondered what the writer would conclude from this peek into my private life.

So I sat down and read it, had my sisters read it and then I reread it. Spoke with my friends who had read it and we all concluded basically the same thing. The article reflected a refreshing sense of balance in my life - with the positives outweighing the negatives by a hair. I learned that day that to be comfortable I only need a hair.

Finally, May I make a suggestion? Repeat the process! Everyone deserves the gift that I have been given- a refection of who you are through someone else’s eyes. 40 felt like a really good time to look back and to look forward but especially to look around. Find out what your family, friends and co-workers have to say about your life so far. Get a gifted writer you trust to put it all together. Spend time going through your stashes of photos and decide which ones speak most profoundly to your life story. Plan a photo shoot reflecting the things that are most important to you right now. As Vanilla Ice says, “Stop, Collaborate and Listen”. It does the body good, real good.

Original article can be found at http://www.mlive.com/living/grand-rapids/index.ssf/2009/06/profile_hivaids_powerhouse_jen.html
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